Regulation, Relational Safety, De-escalation, Choice, and Repair: 5 Strategies for a Trauma-Informed Classroom

Many students walk into school carrying the weight of experiences we may never see or hear about—adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), chronic stress, or ongoing trauma. These factors often show up as behavior challenges, disengagement, or emotional outbursts—but what looks like defiance is often a sign of dysregulation.

A trauma-informed approach begins with the understanding that any student may be impacted by trauma, regardless of whether it’s been identified or disclosed. Trauma-informed learning environments are proactive. They prioritize psychological safety, consistency, and human connection for all learners—because we don't always know who needs it.

Here are five strategies that educators can implement immediately to begin creating a trauma-informed classroom environment—one built on a foundation of connection and compassion for all students:

1. Regulate Before You Respond

When a student escalates—whether by yelling, shutting down, refusing, or melting down—it's easy to feel your own stress response kick in. Your heart rate rises. Your jaw tightens. Your brain starts racing. This is your nervous system doing what it’s designed to do: detect threats and prepare to act.

But in a trauma-informed classroom, the most powerful thing an educator can do in those moments is respond rather than react. An educator who can respond is one who has practiced self-regulation. 

Why it matters:

Students who have experienced trauma often live in a heightened state of nervous system activation. Their brains are constantly scanning for safety. When the adults around them escalate—by raising their voice, threatening punishment, losing control, or reacting from emotion—it confirms their worst fear: this space is not safe.

An adult who can remain calm, grounded, and emotionally available—even when a student is losing control—sends a powerful, regulating signal:

You're not in danger. You're not alone. I’ve got you. I'm not going anywhere.

This concept is backed by neuroscience. According to Dr. Bruce Perry’s neurosequential model of therapeutics, regulation must come before reasoning. A dysregulated brain (whether it belongs to a child or an adult) cannot access logic, language, or learning until it feels safe.

What regulation looks like in the moment:

• Pause.Take a breath. Let there be a moment of stillness before you respond. Silence can be powerful.

• Lower your voice and slow your body. Students, especially those impacted by trauma, pick up on everything—tone, posture, facial expression. Even if your words are calm, your tone of voice or body language can feel threatening.

• Use grounding strategies. You might plant your feet, take three deep breaths, or press your fingertips together. These small physical cues tell your body: I’m safe. I’m in control.

• Name your emotion internally. Quickly check in with yourself: “I’m feeling frustrated. That’s okay. I can handle this.” Labeling emotions helps shift them from the reactive brain to the thinking brain.

• Delay if needed. If you're too dysregulated to respond calmly, it's okay to delay your response: “I need a minute. I’ll come back and we’ll talk.” That moment of space protects the relationship and models emotional boundaries.

What students learn from your regulation:

• Emotions are safe to feel, but not dangerous to others.

• Adults can be trusted to stay calm in moments of chaos.

• This adult has got me, even when I’m falling apart.

  
  

When educators lead with nervous system awareness—by tending to their own state before addressing a student’s behavior—they create a learning environment rooted in safety, trust, and emotional resilience.

“A dysregulated adult cannot regulate a dysregulated child.” — Dr. Lori Desautels

2. Build Safety Through Relationships

At the core of every trauma-assumed classroom is the understanding that relationships are the intervention. Academic success, behavioral growth, and emotional regulation are all built on a foundation of a felt sense of safety—and that safety is most reliably delivered through consistent, responsive, and compassionate adult relationships.

For students impacted by trauma, trust may not come easily. Many have experienced adults as unpredictable, unsafe, or unavailable. In the classroom, this can show up as avoidance, defiance, withdrawal, or testing boundaries. The key is to respond not with control, but with connection.

What does relational safety look like in practice?

Here are a few actionable ways educators can build it:

• Be predictably kind. Trauma often causes students to scan for danger and inconsistency. Your predictability—showing up with steady, calm, warm energy each day—can become a regulating force. This doesn’t mean being perfect; it means being reliably present.

• Greet students by name every day. A personalized greeting is a simple but powerful gesture that tells a student: I see you. You matter to me. I want you here in this space with me. Research from the University of Missouri found that positive greetings at the door can increase academic engagement and reduce disruptive behavior.

• Notice and name strengths. Catch students being successful—especially those who rarely hear positive feedback. “You really stuck with that even when it got frustrating,” or “I noticed you helped your classmate without being asked”—these small moments help build identity, self-worth, and trust.

• Respond to behavior with curiosity, not judgment. If a student shuts down or lashes out, avoid assuming intent. Ask yourself: What might this student be trying to communicate? When students feel like you’re on their side, not against them, they are more likely to re-engage.

• Follow through on your word. For students who have experienced broken trust, follow-through is everything. Whether it’s honoring a promised break or simply checking back in later as you said you would, consistency builds a sense of emotional safety.

• Repair ruptures. Relationship safety doesn’t mean conflict never happens. In fact, the strength of a relationship is often revealed in how it recovers. If things get tense, take a break and come back to it later. A simple, “I didn’t like how that went earlier, but I care about you and want to move forward,” shows that the relationship is bigger than the behavior.

  
  

Relational safety is one of the strongest protective factors against the effects of trauma. Simple daily actions—greeting students by name, checking in when someone seems off, and showing consistent care—create a sense of belonging. Students who feel seen and valued are more likely to engage and less likely to escalate.

3. Use Language That De-escalates and Builds Trust

The language we use with students doesn’t just convey information—it communicates safety or risk, power dynamics, and whether students are allowed to show up as themselves. In trauma-informed classrooms, the goal is not to control behavior, but to create conditions for optimal learning through connection and psychological safety.  De-escalating language helps prevent power struggles, reduces emotional reactivity, and lets students know they are seen and heard as valued human beings rather than just behaviors to stop or fix. 

Here are several practical shifts you can make:

Instead of…	Try…	Why it matters
“You need to calm down.”	“I can see this is really overwhelming. I’m here with you.”	Validates emotions and offers support without command.
“What is wrong with you?”	“What’s going on for you right now?”	Shifts from blame to curiosity.
“That’s disrespectful.”	“Let’s pause—I want to understand what just happened.”	Opens a door for dialogue, not defensiveness.
“Because I said so.”	“Here’s why this matters…”	Offers rationale, which helps build trust and predictability.
“If you don’t stop, _________ (insert consequence)”	“Let’s figure out a way forward together.”	Invites collaboration rather than threat.
“Don’t talk back to me.”	“I want to hear your perspective, but let’s keep it respectful.”	Allows voice, while holding a boundary.
“You’re making bad choices.”	“This choice isn’t working out for you right now—let’s try something else.”	Separates the child from the behavior.

Using de-escalating language doesn't mean lowering expectations or avoiding accountability—it means delivering those expectations in ways that maintain dignity and emotional safety. This approach is supported by research on trauma-responsive teaching (Perry & Szalavitz, 2017; SAMHSA, 2014), which emphasizes the importance of safety, trustworthiness, and empowerment in educational settings.

When students hear language that is calm, clear, and non-judgmental, their brains are more likely to stay regulated—making it easier to problem-solve, reflect, and ultimately learn.

4. Offer Meaningful Choices

One of the most profound impacts of trauma is the loss of control. Traumatic experiences—especially those that occur in childhood—can disrupt a person’s sense of agency and autonomy. In response, students may become hypervigilant about control, either by rigidly clinging to routines or resisting adult authority altogether. What may appear as oppositional behavior is often a survival response to environments where their voice didn’t matter.

Offering meaningful choices is one of the simplest and most powerful ways to restore a sense of control. When students are invited to participate in decisions about their learning, behavior, or environment, they begin to internalize that their preferences and needs are valid. This reduces power struggles, supports self-regulation, and helps shift the classroom dynamic from compliance-driven to collaborative.

What do meaningful choices look like?

It’s not about giving students total control over the classroom—but rather offering structured choices that communicate respect and allow flexibility within safe boundaries.

Here are some practical examples:

• Academic Tasks

  • “Would you like to write or draw your response?”

  • “You can read with a partner or independently. What works best for you today?”

  • “You can complete the odd or even problems—your choice.” These small options empower students to approach tasks in a way that works for their brain and energy.

• Transitions & Timing

  • “Would you like to get started now, or set a timer for five minutes?”

  • “Do you want to line up near the front or the back?” Allowing flexibility during high-stress times like transitions can help reduce anxiety and reactivity.

• Environment

  • “You can sit at the table or use a clipboard on the rug.”

  •  Physical choice is especially important for students with sensory sensitivities or emotional overwhelm.

• Behavioral Support

  • “You’re having a hard time—would you like to talk now or take space and talk later?”

  • “You can take a break by walking in the hall or grabbing a drink—what feels better?” Offering regulated choices during dysregulation gives students a sense of dignity while maintaining clear expectations.

    
    

  Why this works:

  Choice enhances engagement, reduces behavioral escalation, and builds executive functioning. According to self-determination theory (Deci & Ryan, 2000), autonomy is a basic psychological need. When students feel like they have some control over their experience, they are more intrinsically motivated and less likely to resist.

  Importantly, offering choices isn’t giving in—it’s guiding with respect. Trauma-informed classrooms operate on the belief that students want to succeed, and that we can co-create conditions that help them do so.

  
  

  5. Repair the Relationship When Ruptures Happen

  In any classroom, conflict and challenges are inevitable. Students will push boundaries, adults will make mistakes, and tension will occasionally surface. In trauma-informed classrooms, these moments aren’t dismissed as disruptions—they’re opportunities to build trust.

  Many students impacted by trauma have learned that relationships are conditional: love is withdrawn when mistakes are made, safety disappears when they show big emotions, and adults can’t be trusted to stay connected when things get hard. That’s why relational repair is so critical. It challenges those old patterns and begins to rewrite the internal narrative: I can mess up and still be cared for. I can struggle and still belong.

  
  

  What does repair look like?

  Repair isn’t about apologizing for holding boundaries or giving in to avoid conflict. It’s about reconnecting after a rupture—whether that rupture was a student yelling, an adult raising their voice, or a misunderstanding that left a student feeling unseen.

  
  

  Here are practical ways to engage in repair:

  • Check In After the Moment Has Passed Once the student is calm and regulated, find a quiet moment and say: “Earlier felt tough. I care about you, and I want to understand what happened so we can figure it out together.” This sends a clear message: the relationship matters more than the behavior.

  • Acknowledge Your Role When Appropriate Educators aren’t perfect—and students know it. When we misstep, owning it builds authenticity and trust. “I realize I raised my voice when you were already overwhelmed. That probably didn’t help, and I’m sorry.”This models emotional accountability and makes it safer for students to take responsibility, too.

  • Separate the Student from the Behavior Avoid language that labels or shames. Instead of “You were being disrespectful,” try “That moment didn’t go the way either of us wanted it to—but it doesn’t change how I see you.” This protects the student’s sense of self-worth and encourages reflection without shame.

  • Restore Connection, Then Problem Solve Before jumping to consequences or solutions, re-establish the relationship. Only once the student feels emotionally safe should you begin problem-solving. “What can we do differently next time? What support would help you in that moment?” This co-regulated approach helps students build real skills for navigating future challenges.

  • Be Willing to Try Again Consistency is powerful. Even when students test boundaries repeatedly, returning to the relationship with warmth and steadiness sends a message of unconditional positive regard: 

    “We’ll keep figuring this out. I’m not giving up on you.”

  
  

  Why repair matters:

  According to attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969; Siegel, 2012), repair is one of the most powerful tools for building secure relationships—especially for children with relational trauma. These students don’t need perfection; they need adults who are willing to stay in connection, even (or especially) when things go sideways.

  
  

  Repair teaches students:

  • It’s safe to be imperfect.

  • Relationships can survive conflict.

  • Adults can be trusted to stay emotionally present and be accountable for their contributions to relational dynamics. 

  
  

  Trauma-informed educators understand that rupture is not failure—it’s a natural part of human connection. What matters is what happens next.

  
  

  Adopting a trauma-informed mindset doesn’t require a new curriculum or special certification. It requires intention, reflection, and a commitment to seeing students as whole human beings. When educators choose safety, connection, and relationship above anything else, they create classroom environments where every student—not just those with identified needs—has the chance to feel safe, supported, and ready to learn.

  
  

  Reflect on your own trauma history and consider how your experience might impact how you implement trauma-informed classroom strategies.